The Confused Chocolate Eater: January 2005

Thursday, January 27, 2005

As My Songs Goes Unsung

Well, some of you might think my writing is too literal and straight forward but you see; I don’t want it to be ‘very’ metaphorical. I want people to understand my feelings rather than not understanding it at all. I want people to feel what I’m feeling. To imagine what would it feel to be in my position.

I write when I’m feeling something. Something important, something sad or happy. When I’m feeling that ‘something’, I’ll just go to my piano, press a key and let it all out. It’s a pretty good stress reliever actually. Just sing your heart out. I feel pretty good in the end.

Some friends of mine heard one or two songs that I composed. I don’t really know their real opinions. But I do have to tell, that 3 of them cried listening to them. Well, number one, most of my songs are pretty much depressing. It’s not that I’m like this depressed, evanescence wannabe, gothic kinda person. I just prefer writing sad songs. Besides, sad songs are easier to write. If I try to write a happy song, it’ll come out crappy. Haha.

Nadiah, your feelings just moved me. You made me write the story that I will never forget. Whenever I press the keys to that very first, full song I’ve composed, my words and melody to Azri just satisfies me. Thank you for letting me write Endless Words. And thank you to others whom I used for inspiration.

And yes Zyran, you can be my manager (for like god knows what).

Monday, January 24, 2005

Of Astronauts and Arrogance

When I was young, I once wish I could be an astronaut. Ya know, wearing the space suit, buckled to the sit of the space shuttle with the helmet secured onto the ‘neck ring’ of the space suit, waiting for the countdown clock to resume, floating in space, etc..oh you get the picture. It all sounds like fun.

I recently read this biographical book called Touching the Earth by Roberta Bondar whom was the first woman to travel in space. It’s pretty interesting how she tells her experience. She even told the readers about how arrogant, proud and chesty she was before her trip to space. But as she sees the earth from space, she realized that she is just one of god’s smallest creations for she can only see the ocean, land and clouds from there. She realized she is just as small as everybody else.

Well, of course many of us are arrogant in our own ways. Especially when you’re good at something, better than everybody else; arrogance will most probably over-power your thoughts.

I’m not fond of arrogant people. I know many. I dislike most of them. Their insolence annoys me. The way they speak, the look or facial expressions they give, the way they act. Baaaah! Annoying!

I mean if you want to be arrogant at something you’re good at then go ahead! You’re good at it. Be proud! Hey, I’m arrogant when it comes to what I’m good at. I’M ONLY HUMAN. But you’ve got to know your limits man.

You see, I’m the ‘first impression’ kinda person. If my first impression on you is a total load of crap, then I’m sorry. First impression is very important in your social life. If you act oh-so almighty the first time you meet someone then you might need some attitude adjustment.

Some people are just arrogant. It’s like they’re born to be arrogant. Everything they do, everything they say, and everywhere they go, they have like this ‘arrogant’ word tattooed on their forehead. I’m talking about the way they stare at you while you speak or when you’re not even speaking! Their perspective over everything! The way they look and act when they know they’re better than you!

Best word to describe them: annoying! Need I say more?

Arrogance to some people is what builds their self esteem, makes them stand out. But the arrogance which is done to belittle people is the arse one.
--- Zyran the Man

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Bubble Girl

I have a feeling I have the weakest immune system in this freakin’ world! I feel like I don’t even have any. I’ve been sick off and on! Damn it!

My throat is killing me, I can barely breathe through my blocked nose and now I practically lost my voice. If I try to speak, I’ll sound like a near-death toad. Headache headache headache!

I feel so weak...

Thank god I have my darling Yau Chuan to take care of me…

Maybe I should wear that plastic bubble thingy. Ya know the one in the movie Bubble Boy. So I can protect myself from all these germs floating around me. Sheesh…

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Paradise

Once upon a year gone by she saw herself give in.
Everytime she closed her eyes she saw what could have been.
Well nothing hurts and nothing bleeds when covers tucked in tight.
Funny when the bottom drops how she forgets to fight.

One more day in paradise...

As darkness quickly steals the light that shined within her eyes.
She slowly swallows all her fear and soothes her mind with lies.
Well all she wants and all she needs are reason to survive.
A day in which the sun will take her artificial light.

Don't pretend to hold it in...
Just push it out...

How she'd be soothed, how she'd be saved if he could see.
She needs to be held in his arms to be free.
But everything happens for reasons that she will never understand.
Until she knows that a heart of a woman will never be found in the arms of a man.

If she runs away, she fear she won't be followed.
What could be worse than leaving something behind.
And as the depth of oceans slowly become shallow.
It's loneliness she finds...

One more day in paradise...
One last chance to feel alright...

Thursday, January 13, 2005

The Road Not Taken

I see half of my friends happily searching for a job. I see the other half skipped to college. Where am I going now? What will I do?

Work

What if I work at the merry Jusco Home Centre pet store? It’ll be heaven. I’ll be surrounded by wonderful creatures. I can fight, argue and talk crap with my irritating boss. I can have a snake around my neck or a blue tongued skink on my shoulder everyday. I can fill my boredom.

But. My life will revolve around the pet store. I will not have time for family and friends. Especially, my sayang Yau Chuan. I will be working 10 hours everyday with just one day off. I will be working on weekends. Weekends, the time when Yau Chuan is free from college tra tra.

College

I can’t go in the first intake because…
1. I lost my forecast
2. It’s too late

Plus, I don’t want to start getting knowledge yet. I’m not ready. It’ll be the same thing if I start college. I might not get the chance to see a lot of people.

I know I have to do something about my life. I know I have to sacrifice many things. Bear with me. I'm still learning to let go.

I feel so lifeless…

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Purple Eye (thanks to Jason-sensei)

When you’re going to a hang-out place, lets say a waterfall, ya know just to sit around in the freezing water and splash here and splash there, you would want to worry about your safety like getting drag by the current, slip and knock your head onto the rocks or drown. Well as for me, I had to worry about a shoe.

Yes a shoe. Not my shoe.

My friends and I went to Kuala Khubu Baru to just chill and enjoy our holiday at the waterfall. Driving there was tiring and boring but it’s a new experience. As we got there, we crossed the river; the water was freakin’ cold and my attempt to not get my jeans wet obviously was a failure but we definitely made it to the other side and placed our belongings on the cement floor.

Anywho, as I was getting ready to ice Jacuzzi, my friend Jonathan who was still on the other side of the river asked Jason another friend of mine who was already in the water to pass his shoe to my darling Yau Chuan who was standing in front of me. So instead of passing it nicely to Yau Chuan, Jason shouted “catch!” and threw one shoe to Yau Chuan and the shoe landed on the floor.

As Jason was about to throw the other half of the shoe, Yau Chuan then realized what Jason was about to do and raised his palm. Jason threw the shoe, Yau Chuan missed and BAM! it hit the left side of my face. I was stunned. I slowly opened my eyes and saw Yau Chuan’s nose and worried eyes so close to me that for a second I forgot about the accident. My eye began to tear; I felt a cut on my upper lip, and a slight headache just one side of my head.

Suddenly, I heard someone gasp. I ask what and Yau Chuan told me that there’s a purple spot on my corneal. They were staring at me but I unintentionally stared at Jason. I saw his “oh-my-god, what-have-I-done?” look and I simply told him not to worry and that it was an accident. Since then, he wouldn’t stop apologizing.

The purple spot became worse. It went from small to huge. Poor Jason, he must have felt real bad. Oh well, in the end, we all had real fun.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Boredom Kills

Mam went to London 2 days ago. Daddy won’t let me go out tonight because he’s bored! Gaaaahhh!!!! I was forced to watch Indiana Jones with him. Just to keep him company. Now he’s all emotional with me because I’m at the comp instead of watching the tv with him. He’s watching some stupid Agency show! How boring! At least Indiana Jones ain’t that bad. Sigh..I guess I have to get back to him now.

Poor daddy.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

The Painful Year Is Over

Finally, year 2004 has ended.

2004, the year I discovered I was born with soft ligaments that lead to a weak back muscle and a curved spine.

2004, the year that pressured every 17 year old for the oh-so-happening exam called SPM.

2004, the year I had to celebrate New Year’s Eve with my family.

2004, the year god proved to we humans He exist with great power and took many lives from the earthquake / tsunami.

2004, the year I realized that no love ones will stand next to you forever.

2004, the year I learned to let go. Not an easy task.

2004, the year I lost two cats and an iguana.

2004, the year I almost lost myself.

But then I realized 2004 ain’t that bad…

2004, the year I found my not Mr. Perfect but Mr. Right.

2004, the year I got my driver’s license.

2004, the year Funky Socks went wild.

2004, the year my two black twin kittens was born.

There will be no resolution for me this year. All I can say, I’m free…
Happy New Year.